now why’d you go and put stars in their eyes?

So Ash and I watched Twilight… and it was crap. A note to reader, if you intend on watching this movie, please direct your attention to the red x on the top right corner of your screen.

If you have watched it and think its BRILLIANT, please direct your attention to the red x on the top right corner of your screen. Thank you. You’re obviously not cool enough to read my awesomeness.

Let us begin with an analysis of the movie poster:

Firstly: The makers of this poster really loved photoshop because she (Bella) looks nothing like this. Secondly Eric/Edward/That-Sedrick-from-Harry-Potter has these wicked cool eyes that fools the poster viewer into hopes of watching an ass kicking mutant hero adventure. Not so. (and I know that sentence construction was like something 17 year old would write, I was going for that effect because, oh you’re gonna love this one, 17 YEAR OLDS WOULD LOVE THIS CRAP)

Let us introduce Bella. She’s a pretty little thing from Arizona where its always sun-shiny with cacti and what not but then… dum dum dummm! She moves to a dark and forgettable place where it always rains and its cold enough for the frost to permeate through the screen in ways only dark cinematography can. I wasn’t too happy about this already as I’m one of them tropical people that need solar power. I’ve taken the liberty of skipping the boring parts because, seriously, it is forgettable. She joins a new school in a skedonk of a car but through all the adversities (namely, driving a skedonk and being a new kid at a high school in the middle of the term) she manages to make friends with randoms on her first day. Not only does she do this, but she also catches the eye of the brooding male hottie in one flick of her perfectly maintained locks. Realistically speaking, her locks would never be so pristine in rainy weather but you won’t see any frizz on that coif because realism is not very pretty.

The afore mentioned hottie is Eric/Edward/Dead-Harry-Potter-extra. I’ve got to give props to the casting agent on this one, he is absolutely perfect for this role. In true broody manliness, he never changed his facial expression. He reminded me of a young Keanu Reeves. Anyway, he’s a vampire, not just any vampire, a ‘vegetarian’ vampire. Oh the sheer horror! What that means for us normal people is that he doesn’t drink the blood of people, he drinks the blood from animals. I think PETA may disagree with your vegetarianism claims buddy.

The inevitable happens. Bella falls for Eric/Edward/whatever, because she can resist his broody manliness. He in turn cannot resist her, so much so that he watches her sleep. Sweet isn’t it? Until she discovers that he is, in fact, a vampire. When she confronts him about it, he admits to his dietary habits.

Alarm bells should be ringing now Bella.

But no, Bella likes a challenge, or maybe she wants to die or she’s into blood sports, I don’t know. Eric/Edward tells Bella that he’s a vampire AND he really wants to ‘suck her blood’ because he can’t resist her brand of damsel in distress. “You’re like my personal brand of heroin”

AND SHE STILL WANTS HIM. Pfft. Teenagers. Really.

Our manly hero man decides to step into the sunlight to show her what a monster he really is. During this point I was literally on the edge of my seat, awaiting a grotesque transformation of ‘The Incredible Hulk’ proportions… only to laugh at the absurdity of it all. He doesn’t turn into a monster, his skin glitters like a million diamonds.

Oh no! Anything but that!

Very clever mister screenplay writer person. Now all of the female audience will forget about the million holes in the plot because he’s so beautiful. I saw through this only because I’m too self absorbed to focus my attention on anything other than myself for too long. I see their tactic though:

How could Bella resist him now? Even though he’s likely to devour her and probably get her family into cliffhanger like predicaments, we’ll forgive her because he shines like a fucking million diamonds. Its in our chemical makeup. Why dear reader? BECAUSE WOMEN LOVE DIAMONDS. We’re part human-part magpie. Some woman are more magpie than human but that’s not my point.

The rest of the movie isn’t worth mentioning. He saves her life. They end off in a beautifully lit setting and one bad guy remains, smirking into the camera lens. They need a point to start the sequel. I get it.

All in all… it was ghastly. The first thing I thought when I walked out of the cinema: ‘I really need to pee’.

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6 thoughts on “now why’d you go and put stars in their eyes?

  1. Nick says:

    Thanks for the heads up. I wasn’t really planning on watching it (are you proud now?), I haven’t enjoyed a vampire movie since…oh, maybe Interview.

    But what I wanted to know was…blood sports? Explain please.

  2. slitterpuff says:

    Blood sports: sex games that involve blood.

    Source: Where do nudists keep their hankies? Mitchell Symons.

  3. mel says:

    but you got to admit…he is so beautiful.
    i was sitting there with my date thinking ‘why cant you be so hawt?’

  4. slitterpuff says:

    true true… I mean if I met a guy that sparkled like diamonds, I’d be all over him too.

    Women. So fickle.

  5. Twilight is total shitte. PLUS the writer is practicing MORMON and the proceeds indirectly support Proposition 8. I’m a filmmaker and television producer/director. The thing was lit horribly and the writing was juvenile at best. I swear, young women will watch ANYTHING…

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