Houston, we have lift off.

Dear Internet,

I have been a very loyal patron for many years now. At first, I used to regard you with awe and fumble my way through the intricacies of our growing relationship, marveling at your wealth of knowledge on aspects I’ve never had the time to figure out by myself. Now, I fear, you bring me nothing but disdain, and all because of one little pop-up.

Apparently darlings, it does. So much so that at least one ad involving penis enhancement appears on almost every site I visit. I’m not going to beat around the bush here (haha)… I FUCKING HATE PENIS ENHANCEMENT ADVERTS. Look, if a guy has a small penis and is so insecure about his manhood and apparent lack thereof, it is his problem, not mine. I could bring up (haha) a string of cliches that would fit in the context of this blog… so many puns, so little stamina (haha). I kill me.

I suppose that the ads must have worked because it brought on a research expedition worth a few dozen trees. When it comes to the issue of penises , there are three types of  products offered;
-ones to make you more of a man
-ones to make you more of a man and increase the potential to reproduce more manly men
-ones to make sure you stay a man even though your manliness has retired.

This is the Viagra VGR 100. It sounds like a rocket fuel, and according to the write-ups I’ve read on it, quite rightfully so. See this isn’t just a pill… its a means to a better and more fulfilling life because without sex, life would be quite boring wouldn’t it? So what if you and your partner can talk for 7 blissful hours about the state of the nation… you’d rather spend those 7 hours doing utterly sinful things to each other and after you’ve done that, you can walk around holding hands with your lover,  a smug smile on your face. At least that’s what they promise on the ads.

Just look at them, they make me sick. The sad thing is, this guy probably doesn’t have any problems with his ‘manliness’, he’s just a random attractive fellow holding the hand of a random attractive woman (that’s either pregnant or has gas, I didn’t want to make an observation in case I got it wrong) and he got inadvertently labeled as a poor performer. The things these marketers will do to make you buy into their crap… The pills I get, its quick and painless and if it doesn’t work, there’s enough fine print to explain away the inadequacies of the product. What I can’t understand is this:

Firstly: Ow. Secondly: WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT? I’m all for self inflicted pain, don’t get me wrong. I’m one of those ‘pain increases pleasure’ people, but I don’t mean it like this… There are other ways of getting your shit together. If she thinks you’re too small and frankly, you aren’t, easy –  dump her, you don’t need her slapper ass anyway. If its all in your… er… head (sorry) get therapy. If you really are small, start a revolution! Napolean did. Or, start a new era in pornography. You could be ‘the amazing small dick-ed guy’. You don’t see that often do you? Variety is, as they say, the spice of life.

One last thing on this penis craze (coming from a person that doesn’t have one): Mind over matter. If it works, yay! If it doesn’t… take on a life of a celibate. God and you have a lot of issues to work through, in your next life, it might pay off.

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3 thoughts on “Houston, we have lift off.

  1. Michael says:

    Although I think all the penis enlargement references might have made you lose some ranking on Google, that. was. funny.

    You’re funny.

  2. slitterpuff says:

    Google is what got me into this mess in the first place.

  3. Simon says:

    Its not the size of the boat that matters, but its the motion of the ocean that really counts!

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