World Domination – A Manifesto (part 1)

So you want to take over the world do you? You’ve meticulously orchestrated the perfect pitch, duration and type of evil laugh to accompany the sound of thunder. You look good in black/ with your brain in a jar/ wrapped in the fur of 101 dalmatian puppies. Well, that’s nice.
 
I doubt you’ve given this endeavor much thought. Let me elaborate:
 

Taking over the world – Not for Morons.

There are a few things you need to get through before you are even remotely close to commanding the attention of the world’s population. Right up there, amidst dreams of Eva Green feeding you Swiss-chocolate-dipped strawberries with her perfectly manicured fingertips, is the crux of this ‘undertaking’: The motive.
 

Possible motives for wanting to dominate the world

  • You want more money than Richard Branson with the addition of a pimped out cave along the border of Nicaragua, servents addressing you as ‘The Magnificent’ and your very own jetpack – one that doesn’t burn your legs to a crisp when you take off
  • Your mommy didn’t love you enough: She didn’t get you that blue Power Ranger action figure you wanted when you were six. Everyone must die, even that blue Power Ranger guy, he totally deflowered the pink Power Ranger and you’ve been in love with her ever since she… you can’t remember, she’s that hot. Everyone must die, except you, and pink Power Ranger and your mom. If you mom found out you wanted to kill her, you’d NEVER get that blue Power Ranger.
  • You’re a hippie. You’ve watched ‘The day the Earth stood still’. You agree with every assumption made by the aliens regarding selfishness of humans. When everything got nommed by nanobots, your little earth loving heart danced for joy whilst you thought: ‘They deserve it, the bastards’.
  • You believe that you can fix the worlds problems. World hunger? McDonalds franchises everywhere! Poor people? Wealth distribution. Racism? Thing of the past, I’ll just make everyone uniform so they don’t have a reason to discriminate… blond hair, blue eyes… oooh, nice man fur, totally matches your swastika.
  • You live in a basement with your cat Wellington. Everyone hates you, especially your cat – you named him Wellington. What kind of crappy cat name is that? You want love, adoration and power. You want to be Tiger Woods without all the golf playing, or Lance Armstrong… without the cancer.

There are many motivations I’ve left out; revenge, madness and *cough* the good of humanity. If you are under the blindingly obvious misconception that taking over the world for ‘the good of humanity’ is without evil or malicious intent, you are wrong. That’s like St Peter saying “Sure, we’ll look over the fact that you took away people’s freedom. We’ll even look over the fact that you killed all the bad people. There’s just one thing though, since you did commit SOME murder (bad people, we get it) you’re allowed into heaven… but your left leg will burn for the rest of eternity.” before he chops your leg off and tosses it in THE PIT OF ETERNAL DAMNATON. Do you have any idea how hard it will be hitting on the heavenly honeys whilst your left leg is on fire? Do you? I thought so.

Lovely, now that we know what we want. Notice how I switched ‘you’ to the familiar ‘we’? That’s the type of thinking we need to get used to, taking over the world is bigger than ‘you’, you have to be more than ‘you’, its imperitive for the next step in our master plan: Getting Shit Done.

Part 2 to be posted as soon as I… Bad Wellington! Stop ripping the furniture!

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2 thoughts on “World Domination – A Manifesto (part 1)

  1. comradegoodcharlie says:

    you forgot one more reason: you’re pissed off at everyone because you’re so horrifyingly short and no one wants to have sex with you.

  2. slitterpuff says:

    I did not forget because that is not a suitable entry. Short people have no excuse to not get any sex, in fact, they should be better at it than regular people because they’re more compact and in effect, more agile, like little sex-ninjas. In fact, we might as well put in an entry for normal people because they’re so dismally AVERAGE.

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