Is there a party in your pants? Because I want in.

Valentines day. It’s like cleavage day only way more expensive. Unless you’re one of those people that are blessed with perfect gravity defying D cups or listen to Bono. I know right, no-one cares about Bono.

The origins of Valentines Day date back to 496 AD, a celebration of love, red roses and things that go ‘bump’ in the night. Or in the day, some people are into that. The commercialisation of this event happened many centuries later (in 1797) and has resulted in a boom of massed produced soppy declarations of love/adoration/hate/I’mjustsendingthistoyouhopingthatitwillhelpmegetlaid.

I know what you’re thinking.

But I hate Valentines Day Virginia! Why should I give a damn about your crappy blog post?

Firstly, my name is not Virginia. Secondly, that is a lie. You love Valentines Day. You want the tasteless candy and the tacky cards. You want someone to tell you that the mere sight of you turns them into little puddles of scmaltz. I know this, and as hard as you press that submit button, seconds away from spewing your distaste about it on twitter, you know it too. I don’t care. I don’t judge. I have no boobs and a pathalogical hate for Bono, you’re safe with me. I’m writing this blog post for you, because I care.

3 Valentines gift ideas that don’t entirely suck.

Something for everyone.

Sometimes feel I like that Leona Lewis song. Only tastier and more anatomically correct. I want to convey my affections in a way that’s both gross and educational at the same time.

This Giant Bleeding Heart Gummy Candy isn’t for the squeamish. We’ve had them custom-made just for you. Each yummy gummy is loaded with special extra goodies inside – squishy candies full of liquid blood candy. That’s right; this heart bleeds when you eat it. And just so you can make sure to make the best impression (and biggest mess) possible, we’ve added an extra little vial of liquid blood candy. Because there’s no better way to say, “I love you,” than with a Giant Bleeding Heart Gummy Candy.

You can get it here – http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/valentines/d19a

Something for the boys.

Virginia, I’m a cautious soul, how do I make sure my man and his package are safe at all times?

Sadly, there is no fool-proof way for ensuring the well-being of any man, let alone yours. The least you can do is protect him from 3rd degree burns and let him know how much you care at the same time. Forget silky boxers and tighty-whiteys, fire resistant underwear are all the rage these days. Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to post this picture. This is just an example, there is no limit to your creativity. I, for one, prefer a print similar to that of the Starfleet Command uniforms or something darker like skulls and bones and lolcats. What? Lolcats are evil. Also, this could double as something he could wear to make your toasted cheese sandwiches for breakfast. I know, this picture is awesome. Good luck getting this out of your dreams tonight.

Something for the girls.

Virginia, lingerie is nice, but it does get a bit boring sometimes what with all them ribbons and buttons and things with clasps THAT REALLY DON’T COME APART AS EASILY AS THEY SHOULD. I want to get her something special that both her and I enjoy.

Easy. Vajazzle. No, it’s not a dance MC Hammer does. It is a process in which a lady bedazzles her area, post waxing, with swarovski crystals in a shape of her choice. Recommended by sinful ladies such as Jeniffer Love Hewitt, vajazzling may bring some illumination into your love life, or just shine like a disco ball.

Cindy Barshop of Completely Bare hi-tech spas in NYC has offered this shizzle of a vagazzle since 2000; first an ouchless Brazilian wax (everything removed) followed by a Swarovski crystal tattoo design in a starburst, butterfly, heart, or numerous other shapes. “Hip, trendy and confident women like Jennifer get this done,” says Barshop. “It’s like buying a new pair of lingerie or getting a mani/pedi. It’s a feel-good service…and men LOVE it on women. They love it even more when it’s a surprise.” http://bit.ly/dy3NIz

I’ve tried to google images of this, for the sake of my reader I swear! Alas, such a picture does not exist so I’ve had to meticulously Photoshop a sparkly heart on some porn star’s lady area, such in the level of dedication I have to you and to the integrity of this blog. You are welcome.

Also, please stop calling me Virginia.

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5 thoughts on “Is there a party in your pants? Because I want in.

  1. Desrie says:

    It’s the little things in life that restore your faith in things. This blog might restore my faith in Valentine’s Day!

    OK maybe not, I’m too much of a hater currently … but it almost did, that’s got to count for something right? Right.

  2. Just me says:

    Just a FYI for you. When old dear Shebe talks about the troll she is referring to you as she believes all things evil towards her you hands are at play!

    If they are WELL WELL DONE! clap clap!

    http://moralfibre.co.za/nerdmag/2010/02/11/the-nerdies-is-it-a-fail/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

    • slitterpuff says:

      Sorry, you got the wrong troll. She must be in another castle.

      It is against my moral fibre to hack a competition that I wasn’t even nominated in.

  3. Just me says:

    she not saying you hacked it just that you are causing the mud slinging as an attack on shebee

    • slitterpuff says:

      I’m not responsible for that either. Honestly, what on earth could I gain?

      At first I thought this was funny, now I’m deeply offended. Please find someone else to accuse because it sure as hell isn’t me.

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