Faux-fanatic chicks rule! But I rule more.

Messi: It’s a state of mind rather that a state of room.

MUD! Glorious mud! Ew. Get it off me.

Know what I mean boys? *wink

FUCK THAT. I don’t know what I mean. I can recite the names of all the football players in most of the FA leagues (except whatever team my love interest supports cos wow do they suck), but don’t ask me to actually play a minute of football or run around a field because I’m too busy pretending to be way cooler than all the other girls out there.

But sure, I’ll get a beer at the bar with all my guy friends. I’ll even throw in a spot of girlfriend teasing for free. Actually, he may think it’s free, but he doesn’t know the shit-storm he’s headed into. Let me break it down for you:

HOW I AM GOING TO MAKE GIRLFRIENDS HATE GIRLS LIKE ME:

1: I will be nice. Maintaining this sugary sweet demeanour is imperative to my cunning plan.
2: I’ll compliment you on your outfit: “I LOVE these shoes; I can never wear such pretty things due to my man-like clumsiness.”
3: I’ll casually enquire about your boyfriend’s friends: “How long have you known Jack? Oh, me and Jack go WAY back! Hahaha, the rhyming was pure accident! Haha. I kill me”. This will disarm you and your belief that you are the only girl (of importance) amongst the men in the group.
4: I am going to tell a very funny inside joke. All the boys will chuckle. I will roll on the floor with laughter, the more I exaggerate, the better. You will start doubting yourself and your standing. Perfect.
5: I am going to ‘talk shop’ for a while, mostly about this fantasy football league I’ve entered and why I’ve chosen more players from Arsenal than Liverpool. You, meanwhile, will be playing with the water droplets forming on the glass of your Mai-Tai. (Seriously, a Mai-Tai? You make this too easy)
6: Your obvious loss of interest is growing. I will choose this moment to point it out. You’ll say you have no interest in football, F1, rugby, whatever. I’ll say that I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t!
7: I will talk to your boyfriend for the rest of the evening.

The thing is, even though he’s talking to me, he’s leaving with you. I will never understand why he finds you more attractive. I drink like a dude, I eat like a dude, I watch all the right sports, given more time I could be the ULTIMATE dude…

Wait… where’s my lipgloss?

All this pretending is wreaking havoc on my beauty regimen!