Tag Archives: I think I lost my girl membership by writing this blog

Like sands through the hourglass…

average-housewife-afternoon-soap-operaI like sordid. In fact, I revel in it. This is mostly due to the fact that I’ve watched cheap soap operas whilst in my impressionable teenage years. I adored Taylor, Brooke, Sammy, Carrie and the other soap opera babes. All of them… It was only during my cynical early adulthood that I realised what they were – ‘Ambitious women that achieve their goals through questionable means’, otherwise referred to as whores, skanks, slappers, tarts, ho’s and sluts. I know, it’s easy to give them all a label and you think that any of those words apply. Wrong! There are intrinsic differences, subtle and equally dirty, but differences nonetheless.

THE ULTIMATE SKANK BLOG.

whoreWhores
Bio: In many cultures, they are referred to as the fore mothers of the modern variants we see frequenting our daily lives, labelled as such by those that prefer to use Old English to define them. Often portrayed as the most vulgar of them all, these women conduct daily life making a living through means of prostitution or stealing husbands. Once their acts are vindicated, they become martyrs, often seeking solace in exotic places such as Babylon or upon silk sheets in hotels along the French riviera.
Habitat: The whore is a nomad by nature, moving to places that allude to offering them wealth, though inclined to settle once their materialistic needs are fulfilled.
Mating habits: The whore uses sex as a trade, through a voluntary process, weighing her outputs against the value of her actions.

Skank
Bio: One of lower class, predominantly found in trailer parks or on the arm of Dennis Rodman. Often viewed as dirty, displaying a lack of personal hygiene and complete disregard for the condition of her skin. May be considered to be less beautiful than her peers. Also, a type of dance that white people do.
Habitat: A native of trailer parks, abandoned high-rise buildings and the back of Ford Cortinas.
Sexual habits: Elusive, often conducted in dark corners. Their sexual partners tend to deny any involvement, often evading questions through a semblance of logic. Ex: “I’d never sleep with her, she’s fugly”.

slut

Slapper
Bio: A party animal. A frequenter of bars, parties, clubs and pubs. That hot girl that’s a friend of a friend of Joe’s cousin who denied you the pleasure of her company and you’ve secretly been lusting after her since then. In it for the good times. Mostly considered as easy when under the influence of alcohol. Uses the power of suggestion to get what she wants without actually keeping to her promises.
Habitat: Trendy nightspots such as Manhattan and The Baron. Photographic evidence usually documented on Thunda.com, later tagged on Facebook.
Sexual habits: It seems as if she’ll do anyone except you.

Tart
Bio: A type of confectionery. Easily identified by her bubbly personality and/or complete lack of brain activity. A serial flirt by nature, the Tart manages to get a lot of attention through very little use of thinkery. Mainly used as a derogatory term amongst older woman of English heritage.
Habitat: Your mom’s tea party/braai, often engaged in conversation with the husband of that bitch Maude, whilst her friends stare at her in aplomb.
Sexual habits: A Tart will deny that she’s ever slept with your husband. You will believe her because she’ll do it in a very ditsy manner. Even if you could prove it, you would never allow yourself to believe that you got ousted by someone perceived to be less intelligent than you.

Ho’s
Bio: A product of hip hop. Not restricted to gender (see man ho’s and faux ho’s). Not necessarily a derogatory term. Created for means of use in rap songs. Words that rhyme with ho: mo’, fo sho’, blow, dough. A ho is a product, usually starting out as a shawty then yo’ girl then yo’ baby mamma and finally, a ho, when she demands alimony.
Habitat: Different area codes.
Sexual Habits: Usually sleeps with rap stars, older women of elaborate means and yo baby daddy.

Slut
pic4smBio: Usually sleeps with anyone as long as they flatter her ego. A woman with the morals of a man.
Habitat: They’re everywhere. Capable of adapting in the most harsh of environments. The Slut is also mobile through means of paying for lifts with sexual favours.
Sexual Habits: Anywhere. Any time. Any place. What? Did you just tell me that I’m beautiful? *pounces*

I must admit, defining these terms took a while and was very difficult at first, but I had lots of fun attempting to. Thanks to those that pushed me to write it. Slappers, the bunch of you.

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Everyone is equal but some are more equal than others

Before I rant, I would like to state for the record that I am not a feminist. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hiding a penis under my skirt nor am I a woman that believes that her rightful place is in the kitchen or washing cars in a bikini.

I’d go as far as to say that I HATE feminists. ‘Oh boohoo! I’m belittled in the workplace! But I know what I’ll do to get my point across, I’ll burn my bra!’. Hey, I have an idea, how about you spend less time complaining about how unfair life is and actually do something about it. That ladder isn’t going to get climbed on by itself. Its things like that that works against everything you’re trying to achieve.

When I’m having an off day, I like to spend time in book stores. Sure the internet is a fanciful thing with all them search engines, but nothing beats the smell of inky pages with the occasional strawberry jam stain. I read a lot, at any given moment I could be reading about 4 novels at once. I’d love to say that I can pick up right where I left off but I can’t. I’m not THAT awesome see.

I love the little ‘gift book’ sections for their silly antidotes and nonsensical rambles. I’d never actually bought one of these so I figured I’d look for one to give as a gift to my niece. Cute as a button with curly hair, she eats sand and plays with worms and believes in fairies and watches War of the Worlds avidly. She’s by far one of my favorite people in the world (there are about 12 in total so you know I mean business). 

 This looked, for lack of a better word, perfect. Its great, its big and its glorious. One doesn’t often come  across  a  title so boastful that you are compelled to read it. And I did. I read the crap out of it.

 The contents spanned a whole page, written in fancy letters. You know, the types of lettering only a girl  could appreciate. Here is a selection of the afore mentioned contents-
 – Needlecraft
 – Make up and beauty
 – Home Spa
 – The Great outdoors.

  Yes, ‘the great outdoors’ has its own section. I was particularly intrigued with this one. Here is a list of  things a girl should know when in ‘the great outdoors’:
 – How to fall
 – How to not throw like a girl
 – How to climb trees

Very admirable things every girl should know. Sure she should know how to fall, if she falls in the wrong way, she could get hurt. Sure she should know how not to throw like a girl, even though she is a girl, because throwing like someone other than a girl would make her less cool right? And it is imperative to learn how to climb trees because apparently it would impress the boys. That last sentence was taken from the book.

 So I took a look at this one only to sate my curiosity. I was, literally, standing in the isle with my mouth open. Not the most attractive visual, but I’ve spared my appearance for the sake of this blog. THAT’S HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

The contents are written in a no nonsense typeface with a considerably smaller font size. The list covers 1.25 pages AND is presented in two columns. Not only does this one have a schwing title but it also contains more factual information, such as-

Understanding grammar: I love grammar. Its more important to me than the price of oil. I’ve been      known to stop talking to people if their grammar is anything remotely below my standard. Where are the  corresponding pages in the girls book?
The Golden Age of Piracy:  I love pirates. I loved them before they became popular again. I wanted to be  a pirate… a pirate with good teeth. I wanted to start that revolution. Arr ye reddy to floss ye scurvey hag?  There aren’t enough girl pirates. 
–  The greatest paper plane in the world: Nuff said
Girls: There is a whole section for girls. I think this says a lot. From a guys perspective, the matter of girls can be compartmentalized. In the girls book, there are references to boys in almost every section. 

A message to writers of these books, could you try to make the girl version more awesome? Thanks. Until then, I have resolved to buy both. Why should my girl miss out on all the awesomeness just because of the colour of her pretty frock.

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